Motivation

Fatmom asked me a few questions, and I think the answers deserve their own post. First, she asked what finally "clicked" inside of me and made the diet stick this time.

Initially, there were a couple of things. A few months before I starting dieting, my oldest daughter was in preschool. When I looked at all of the other moms, I realized that at 317 lbs. I far outweighed even the heaviest moms. I guess I felt as though people were staring at me, although I'm sure it was mostly in my head. When I would go to a school function and have to sit on the church pew, I could feel it bending a bit when sitting down. I couldn't help but think how embarrassing it would be if I broke it!

The final straw was when I came down with pneumonia and I seriously thought I was going to die. OMG I was soooooo sick. Then the one constant thing in my head was if I needed an ambulance, how would they get me out of my room? Our house is fairly small and our bedroom door is off to the side at the end of a somewhat narrow hallway. How would they get me out? What if they couldn't lift me due to my size? Terrifying.

Fatmom also asked how I stay motivated. This one is a little more difficult to answer. Staying motivated has been very difficult. The fact that I've only lost like 12 lbs. since before Christmas shows that my determination has been waning.

I guess in my head I think every day is a new day and each morning I wake up and try to make it a good day. Some days are awesome, some are not. The past two days I had some "undocumented food". I had a little cake my daughter made for me in her Easy Bake Oven and then I had a few cookies. Since I realistically couldn't count these calories, I just let it slide.

Maybe this is what helps to keep me from totally derailing? These little "secret treats"? Of course they will show up when I weigh-in on Wednesday, but I've learned to not take little gains too seriously. Tomorrow is a new day and next week is a whole new opportunity to move the scales in the right direction.

I guess I've learned to look at the "big" picture. -) If I think back I can still hear the barely audible groan from the church pew. I look at my "before" pics and I find them scary to look at. How could I breathe with all the fat around my neck? My mother died from a stroke at age 53 when I was 18, and I do not want to put my girls through that. I'm not sure how much my mother weighed at the time (16 years ago), but I'm sure she was over 270 lbs. I was headed down that road and I saw it early enough to put on the brakes.

Oh...one more thing...I'll be the first to admit that when I kill my diet for a day, I make it count. I eat whatever I crave. :-) Maybe this helps me? The occasional nighttime diet vacation?